Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in wattmatts' LiveJournal:

Thursday, March 16th, 2006
10:43 pm	Long and Likely to Not Be Understood And right now its one of those I dont know yet I so know moments. I should be typing a research paper, but I know I wont, the thing is more than halfway done but I just wont finish it. I should be exercising, but I have absolutely no desire to. My gun needs to be tuned, I know it wont happen till Saturday. Right now I think that maybe its because I have that attitude that nothing will get done, and it probably is because of that, but I just dont know. I think the only thing I would be inclined to do is setup a hammock, which I dont have, so naturally; that wont happen. I think the worst part is how these like, mind shifts just hit me so randomly. I dont know what does it, not exactly, I know parts, but not every part. I know I was sitting upstairs yesterday, in the midst of all the construction, and just looked around. What I saw was probably a good 8 years of my life around me, all sorts of hopes and promises that never happened. I saw a room that I spent most of my high school life in, I never want to go in that room again. I saw a name etched in the wall, I sanded it out. Even with all the new windows, walls, whatnots, its just not right up there, its not right here, for some reason it feels like New Jersey is all of a sudden the place I dont want to be. I dont want to be anywhere I dont think. I dont even wanna be here typing this, but I cant write because of how I feel, the worst effect of feeling this way is naturally the inability to write by hand. I drove by the old computer store on my way to work yesterday, I hope they destroy that store and build like a fountain or perhaps a garden over it. I sat at work, in the white walled basement, and just thought; thought while the computers all whirred in unison from saving a file. I looked around, and just thought a lot, ive been doing that too much ; I look around and see it all, I take it all in. Breathe in the entrapment, breathe in the reasoning, what is the reasoning? I work too much, I fucking hate it like no other. I dont have a bad job, but I dont want to come home with the idea that I have to go to work in 30 minutes, it is the most toxicating thought one could ever have their senior year. I know once I get my license, im gonna have to end that whole thing, I wont do it. I dont think I can work a full forty hour week ever again in my life. I miss seeing my girlfriend everyday all day, I miss seeing my friends after school, I miss the nights of walking around and being who we all were, being things that we really were. To top it all off, I leave for Huntington Beach in a few days. Im excited in terms that I want to win, beyond that I feel nothing, and that is the worst thing to feel. This is my fourth year doing this, and I think my last event in Denver almost did me in for good, that was the worst experience of my life. At the airport in Denver I managed to buy a notebook, and start writing about all my traveling in it, and I think I wanted it to end there. I work so fucking much to pay for this thing, and now that its starting to pay for itself it seems like im just losing myself. There is probably not a god damn single thing in this world that will eat you up as much as losing yourself, and its perhaps the fact that I think about it that it happens. I miss out on 4 years of normal life for 4 years of this thing that ive dedicated too, so why does my mind just want to give up on itself. I just cant get why ive gone so above and fucking beyond with some shit and now its like my thoughts have taken a halt, I cant stand it. Maybe its apprehesion, maybe im thinking too much, I just need to stop. All I keep thinking now is that I dont want college to be this fucking blur like high school was, I dont want to go to work to pay for this sport of mine even though its starting to not be that way. I dont want to sit in a four walled figure and do shit everyday unless I feel like it. Applying to colleges I had to write if I had any experience in work, and perhaps writing over 500 hours really hit me. I never wanted one hour, I never needed money. I just dont know, I dont even know why I wrote this, I need to end it now. Ignorance was bliss. Current Mood: Good Question (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
6:13 pm	The Seeping Dramatic Irony of the Mislead Omniscient Narrator It is February 7th, 2006. Projected date for finale of the work project was the 2nd..so 5 days plus a few off, kinda gay but oh well. The real gay part is me having to stay late last night, and even gayer: our video wont even be put to use. What we made was a 3D walkthrough of a section of Atlantic City, and the company we made it for doesnt want to use it because its too complex. They dont want to rely on computers, nor rely on themselves to time their speech with the flow of a movie. So pretty much..sucks to mahself and General Bryan. What this DOES mean, is that Friday the project is being presented to a board for review and that will be that, done and done. Right now we have to take all the 3d movie stuff and turn it into...yes..SLIDESHOWS! Woo! I know what everyone will be thinking..thats..awesome! Its like taking Toy Story and saying..hey..yanno what..lets turn this badboy into a buncha picture frames, who needs a movie anyway? Oh well, kinda sucks, but I did learn a lot and still got paid so I guess thats ok. Just missed a lot of time on life which sucks, in fact; I have missed way too much time for life because of things like work. And so, after Friday im hoping I will be a little bit rejuvenated, and take a new aspect on things to come. If I have seemed pissed off or out of it lately its just because ive had to do a lot more in the past few months than I had hoped, and my tired-ed-ness has been mega insane. So I havent intentionally been like an emo kid, thats just how it ended up. As for things that are kinda kool, HCK won another tournament a few weeks ago. It was an awesome win and I was real stoked about it, I just didnt put it up because a lot was going on then. The team name is also going to be changed starting this week and some roster changes, and were gonna move forward from there. The whole process is finally settling down and were getting ready for California in about a month, the whole team cant wait to get there and just start playing. Gonna be a rad time Current Mood: Still Kools Current Music: Barbara Streisand - Sucks, I Hate Her Music (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
11:35 pm	Sure im dead, but im alive-ead Ahem, nobody really reads livejournal, but for those that do I will give an update. If it seems like..I dont exist, its because I only exist in the realm of 26 South Oakland Avenue. That is, my work. The month of January marks the final month before a major project thing is due from me and Senor Bryan, and its just like doing a school project last minute, thats what it feels like. The good thing is, the last school project I did last minute, I got an "A" on. ( Awesome amazing blowout of a project is here: http://www.freewebs.com/wobbles82/) ps- note the amazing piece of toast drawn by the none other: Lovely Miss McGrath Anywho, February 2nd is apparently the date we have to have our project done. So if I seem totally out of it, or like im not even around, its because of that. After February 2nd the cannons will unroll and the explosions of freedom will sound. And Miss McGrath, you best bet youll see me on a double daily infinite basis. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
2:39 am	The Second Wave: The Spider Scouts It has happened, just as it was predicted by myself. I wrote earlier that me and my cousin Charles pretty much opened up a nuclear genocide holocaust war of sorts between myself and the spiders, and well, the second stage has come about. As mentioned earlier, the first wave was an offensive maneuver that was a large win for myself and Chaly, a summer barrage of water and paintballs on an unsuspecting sleeping enemy; thats pretty much what they get for being so big and creepy and living behind my friggin shed. Now (as I also predicted) the spiders are of course planning a follow up attack, and they are of course alone because after our first offensive move, we then laid destruction upon their bee and wasp friends. So lets begin with what has developed thus far. Each corner of my room, has spider webs, 4 corners, they are trying to work their way in. That was until I totally destroyed the one web with my slipper, thus putting them at 3. It was pretty quiet after that, I thought for awhile that they abandoned the webs after they saw how much destruction my footwear can do. BUT alas, not the case, not the case at-friggin-all. A day or so ago, I was just sitting here, drinking kool-aid, minding my business..and then..oh then..out of the corner of my eye, I pick up a bit of movement on the wall. The human mind takes mental pictures of its surroundings, and upon the laying of a spindly leg on my wall, my mind immediately found there was a problem to the equation. I took focus, and alas, a spider. Not very large, but not small, and very fast..a typical scout. I knew exactly what they were doing, they were sending their tactical squads in, setting up ghost bases, and then slowly working an army in; well lets just say they didnt get feedback from Mr. Spider Scout McJerkface. I threw a pen at one side of my wall, to make the 8 legged bastard aware that I knew he was there, and once the jerkhead thought I was attacking him from one way, I had a napkin waiting for him the other way. So he just walked into his paper doom, and that was it, crushed in seconds. Any unaware and obviously stupid, uneducated spider fighter will think that this was it, but of course it wasnt. I quickly took notice to a backup scout, but he got away fast, and I have yet to find him, so im sure he is currently relaying plans to his bastard friends. The whole point of this second coming and issue of the war effort, is to inform everybody. Its getting cold out. Real cold. Spiders hate cold, spiders that hate cold love indoors, indoors = your house. So get ready. They think that because their Cobra Command was disrupted in my backyard that they can just waltz in here, and they must be friggin drunk to actually think that. So what was once the opening grandeur to this certainly decade long war, has now evolved into the second stage. Perhaps with the snow, I will get to take part in an amazing Hoth style battle. But im sure I wont, oh well. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
6:58 pm	i think right about now, i hope i die thats all there is to it i hope i fucking die, i have no desire to even live, because right now; i dont even feel alive. i cant feel alive, so much unreal shit happens to me its just..what the fuck, whhhhhhhhhhat theeeeeeee fuckkkkk its time like this i wish i had the dumb fucking life that most people live. the one where they bitch about high school, their parents, all the "hard college stuff" but no, instead, non-stop ridiculous rollercoaster, where I cant even pick up my pen to write anymore because i snap them in half all the money in my room got stolen, again. it was put away this time, and its fucking gone, and you know what, people will say youll get it back, but i got it back, and its gone again my only hope right now is to die, because i will probably have no sense of anything if i dont (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:05 am	Amory Blaine Recently, ive been thinking. I write really long entries, and thats pretty much all I was thinking. Well that, and then of course the fact that I got completely fucked over hardcore in the past week. It was quite a depressing week, just because I used to not care about anything, and it really bothers me that I care about stuff now. I broke my being relaxed ways for other people, and that really is starting to irk me. It seems like whenever I do stuff for people, I get completely fucked. If I try to work with somebody, and change a little bit for them, it seems like they end up being like me, and then im more like them..and they hate me; so basically they hate themself. Thats probably the real problem, so many people have this deep problem with themself and are afraid of life, and thereby have to find reason to take it out on me. And of course, I am sworn to be devout against selfishness, so its like I dont even exist to most people other than for taking their problems out on me. Which is kool. Anywho, been working like everyday, im getting kind of sick of it. Ive missed so much because I have to work, and then..ah..this past weekend, reflected work and all. I think the way ive been feeling, is that im fucking sick of me always saying, everything is gonna be alright. Because you know what..I can always make things fine. There isnt a damn thing in this life that I cant make alright, but when will other people start to pull themselves together. I got screwed yet again in paintball, I was completely used so that two other people could "get somewhere" when in reality they went downhill. And it was because I made a decision that supported a group and not myself, so not being selfish once again fucked me. It really sucks thinking that in todays world thats how things are, but in reality it is. I really dont have much else to say, although I didnt even say much. Just know, if your my friend, dont be a vampire. Not just to me, but to the world. How about instead of taking, give back, be fair, be equal. Im sick of people quoting how to live strong and righteous while they crush hard. If I ever seem emotionless, its because they are always taken from me; for fake reasons, for people that lie, for people that have them all their own, for people that want attention, for people that live in fear, for people that find themselves weak, for people that want a defense, for people all around me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
11:55 pm	Karma The Defense Rests I am in direct need of getting my palm read or whatever, and finding out what I did in my past life or something. I either beat the crap out of Jesus, or made money off of disable people, something of that nature; thats the only explanation. It seems that NO MATTER WHAT I get, earn, make, etc.; there is always a catch. For some reason, everything in my life comes with some sort of crazy catch, always. I used to be active all the time a few years ago, I would work at a computer store, skate, play paintball, hang out, do schoolwork I had the energy to do that. The catch here was..oh..I got hit with narcolepsy like a brick. The double play was I failed my Sophomore year because I couldnt stay awake in any of the classes, mainly. Instead of some lazy ass kid that watches reruns of Night Court all day getting this tired thing, I did, I got hit with it and it seems for now I am stuck with it. But before I get into a list of things on how there are always catches, because there always somehow is; its like my fine print of life, ill just get into why I am saying this. This is because, I am pissed off. And right about justtttt now, I realized how pissed off I am, because the reality of the situation is hitting me. The reality of what situation I am sure some will ask, and that situation would be the money missing from my room. Namely, the money missing from the middle drawer of my desk, the very same drawer that sort of locks when you try to move it, the one that only people that sit in my desk will take notice to trying to open. In this desk, I had around 700 dollars in this weekend, from a paycheck and winning the aforementioned GPL. Well, the money that I had to work my fucking ass of for, is now gone. And so now is the point where people say, oh he obviously misplaced it. No. Not the case, because I would go in there everyday, take out the amount I needed, and return it. Thats how I always am with my money, and thats how i'll..well not anymore, thats how I would be had this not happened. I ripped apart my room for two days straight even. So in my view, the money was stolen. And no, it wasnt the full 700 dollars because I had to pay off debts this weekend. That money was my way to get OUT of debt, the fucking debt that I didnt even ring up. Im paying off money for other people, for people that I did a FAVOR for and they ended up fucking me over, and I had to pay for it. Pretty much all of my paychecks have gone towards getting myself out of this hole that was blown open by other people, and this weekend was gonna be it. This Monday, I would have made the final deposits and sent them, and from now on the money on my paycheck would be all mine. But no, not the fucking case, because somebody had to go ahead and take my money. Im not a greedy person at all, in fact I hate money, but the fact that this money was to pay off debts that I shouldnt be in, and now that its stolen is just..un-fucking-believable. Tonight is the point where I realize how sadly pathetic things are. I think that im pretty optimistic, and I top that off with actually getting things done. Ive been working since I was 13, just so I could afford to live how I wanted because my parents just cant do that for me. Ive fucking dedicated my life to paying for my way up through paintball, and at a point when I could have gotten in the positive I decided to help people out a few months ago and end up losing about a thousand dollars. I dont think anybody really heard me bitch about this, but had it been most other people the world would have collided from their bitching. This past weekend, myself and the team worked our asses off to fucking win that GPL tournament, we put in all this time and I finally made a small cash out. Because I invested in myself I got a return, and it has been a long while since ive gotten one like I did on Saturday. And on Saturday night I was just thinking about how great things are, how the debt will finally be gone because of the prize money I got, how my paychecks I could now put into the bank, and get stocks that I had wanted to get months ago because I think its a good idea. I fucking work everyday of the week, in the summer I worked over 8 hours a day, I hardly even get to see my friends, to see Jess, thats all limited because ive had to work. And for what? So I can lose money to jerkoffs who need favors? And then lose money to jerkoffs who go ahead and steal it? When I get done work, I come home and do gun drills. I exercise, I dont fucking go anorexic and sit on the couch, I actually get up, get my gun, do drills, workout, review, all so I can play to my best on the weekends. And yanno what, this weekend I played my best. And we won, and it was great. And now that the prize that I needed so I could get out of this bullshit is gone, I get to asking myself how much was it worth? Its still worth it, to have such a great win, but god damnt..I was right there, it was gone, and then it was really gone..unbelievable. I am probably gonna go way off topic because I havent been this down in a long time, and when I am down I dont realize that im straying all over the place. I dont really know what to say either, I guess im writing this because my hand wont even hold a pen without breaking it right now. The clarity and reality just hit me, before I was relaxed about it, but as of now I realize its really gone. And you know what? People will continue to tell me to stop bitching about it, to stop being lazy, to stop being tired, and im just gonna laugh as always. Because no matter what I do, its always going to look that way, and no matter what I do, I just cant get away from the things I want nothing to do with. I had that debt ready to be gone, and now not the case. All I can say is that I hope whoever took the money, really fucking enjoys it. I hope they like the clothes, or the video game, or the food or whatever they buy with it. And I wouldnt even punch, or harm the person had I found out who took it. I would still retain that hitting somebody wont solve something, I would just have to stare at them. And try to see through them that somehow they know me, and they know how much fucking hard work I put into getting that money, and that they see on my bulletin board how close I am to paying off the money I owe, and I hope they know that the number on my bulletin board wont move until my next paycheck, and the next, because thats how much I still have to pay. And I hope they really enjoy themselves when they show off their new fashion, or burn brain cells sitting on their couch, or grow glutton as they eat their food. Because im not gonna stop doing what im doing, because I honestly love my life, and I cant let this change it. I can only hope to think people will be fair one day. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: The History of Cats - BBC (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
12:09 am	Mazeltov It was brought to me that I dont really update this thing, and I dont, because its just boring I guess or something, and I have no more ridiculous stories. Well I have plenty, but still. Won 1st Place in GPL D2 (or open, it was the only division), and it was flipping amazing. We knocked out the other top teams also, so if we win the next one (putting us at winning 2 1st place finishes, and one second place) we will win the series title most likely. So right now we have won first twice and won second once, by playing in three tournaments. So if we pull that all of, well be the series champions of the biggest tournament series in paintball right now, its not like the NPPL, but its huge because of all the teams that play and all, so being ranked first would be awesome. And I got another paycheck from all that, and it was just awesome. Our last game was so amazing and exciting, in fact all day was exciting. We actually really had to fight to win, and for once in a long time I saw everybody play with a lot of heart and I think I kind of forgot what it really felt like. I forgot that I played because I love the game, and even when we lost a game we didnt really get down, we just kept playing. The day was great, and if this is how all of next season will be its gonna be amazing. And while I am sure anybody that reads that will be like whatt? Makes no sense? If only people knew, thats why I dont really put this kind of stuff up. All I know is that it was awesome, and I dont care if people say paintballs not a sport or whatever, because ignorance is even more awesome. I think my next entry will be a ridiculous story, because oh yeh I gotst tons. And no, they arent emo, sadly enough I cant write emo on these journal things, maybe one day. --- go hckpabombers (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
6:21 am	A Battle and a Trip Well well, I feel an entry coming on because thy lady Jessica is once again, in shore-ville. So instead of seeing her :-( im sitting here, finishing up some work, and about to get ready for tomorrow. But the real events occurred this morning, in a quite dastardly and, in my opinion , victorious battle. Sir Charles and I were assigned to clean up the front yard, as some fiend has decided to plant weeds and do so everywhere, so alas we had to clean it up. And we trounced that out, I woke up at 11, and he was already half done, I patched it up; all was well. OR SO WE THOUGHT (tense dramatic pause right there) The slavedriver Mrs. Watts decided that me and Chaly could help the neighbors Labor Day party thinger, by putting their trash cans in our yard so they didnt have them around the party. It seemed like a simple task, until she also said to put this wooden deck thing we have in our yard too, to help raise the trash cans to make them a bit more accesible from the other yard. This wooden barge of a structure thing lays behind my shed, the area where caverns and depths of unfathomable evil lie all for the advantage of creatures in the area. On top of the list that indulges the area behind our shed would be : Gargantuan spiders. Im talking "OH MY GERDZ, IS THAT A COCKROACH?" - size spiders. In numbers. Before my family called me crazy for having spotted these deathbots, and even though I have incarcerated proof in my room sometimes, they still dont believe me. SO, once we lifted up the deck, all freaking hell was unleashed. It was on terms with Scooby Doo and the 13 Ghosts, when they opened up the chest and let all those silly ghosts out; but this time, we didnt have the help of Scrappy and we also lacked the humurous narrating of Vincent Price. Instead, it was me and Charles, staring at deep white webs entrenched in the holes in the dirt, and a colony; NO! A freaking headquarters, the United Nations of spiders, under the deck itself. These things were all in the process of straight up slayinnnggg crickets running around the area, they were just chasing them all over the underparts of the deck, and mind you, the crickets were giants also (crickets are left without defense though, and just fell to the teeth of the spiders). And within all of this, the two of us disturbed the hunting, and let some sunlight in on their fiesta, and thats when they obviously discussed to take battle stations. THEY WERE JUMPING. OK..JUMPING. YES. JUMPING. SPIDERS THE SIZE OF MY HAND, JUST JUMPING EVERYWHERE. I think it was on par with the confusion techniques of drunken boxing, I didnt know what to do, they were so fast, and just JUMPING everywhere on the grass, and deck, with no direction, just jumping and flying everywhere. My conclusion was to hand them the fate that they deserved, and this was: a machine gun assault on their base. While Chaly held a rake at guard behind the shed, I went inside and got my paintball gun, put it on ramp (meaning after I shoot 3 shots it goes fully automatic) and grabbed a ton of paint. I then ran back outside, told everyone to clear back, and RUINED those nocturnal bastards night. FUXED THEM UP. They were still jumping by the time I got out and ready to shoot, and I started off slowly by sniping the biggest ones I saw. After they saw their friggin queens getting wrecked, is when they panicked. They sent off the bomb sirens and tried to abandon ship, but NO. NO. These bastards, ALWAYS build webs where people walk, they always mess shit up, they always jump on you when you dont want them to (and according to Snapple we eat them in our sleep, which isnt fair to some who are vegetarians im sure). Once they attempted a scatter off of the wooden deck, I just railed them faster. I shot over 200 balls at them. Destroyed their webs, destroyed their food, and even stopped shooting around the crickets, as they hopped away with joy. We then proceeded to take the deck from behind the shed, and flooded the rest of the bastards out with a hose. All that was left were some webs, which the pressure of the hose couldnt even SCATHE, those webs were really strong. So we just foot smashed em. And that was that, end of their most faithful headquarters. We got that setup, then cut down the brush around the area to let some light in, and shined the rest of them out. As we cut down the brush, the freaking yellowjacket bees made an offensive move and attemped to strike Charles. His quick wits with a rake and my amazing skills with a hose soon turned them away for enough time to call it a day and head back inside. I am sure there will be retaliation. America didnt call it quits when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, and im sure the spider beasts wont call it quits because their Cobra Command got all sorts of fuxed up. But mark this weekend the weekend where the war had started. We can all thank Jess for not being here to fill my time (heh :-*) that this happened. As for the trip, I went to the mall to get my shoes, because I left my other pair in Maryland and am left shoe-less. On the way, I once again realized Americans have GOT to be the dumbest breed of nationality, ever. This is because, the traffic, and Build-A Bear. The traffic, was so bad, and its all because "everyone is rushing to get to the shore" which is god damn retarded. Arent we the same people that can agree that gas prices are atrocious? Arent we the same people that you hear saying "Oh dat war in E-Raq, thats gonna lower gas prices, cuz of dat oil were gonna be gittin'". AND YET, with gas prices SOARRINNG this weekend (which is an intentional hike, normally gas stations dont make a ton of profit on gas because they depend on making the money back by the bulk of sales, but for this weekend it was all high profit reasoning) people are still driving everywhere in numbers. Because they get a Monday off, they feel the dire need to go to the overcrowded shore, even though everybody knows that everybody is going there and that itll be crazy. So the suckers that we are buy the crazy gas prices just to get to the shore, and once again prove that monotony is endless. If people took a stand, and perhaps for once decided to stay home, and not give in to the obvious, then maybe we wouldnt keep blaming the Saudis for high gas, we would realize it was mostly ourselves. Anywho, we finally got there, I got shoes, it was all good. On the way out my sister stopped at Build A Bear, which is the point where me and Chaly just had to leave. I swear; every. single. person. that works in that store, is friggin crazy. Like, crazy go nuts crazy. Im not sure if its the fact that they listen to horribly creepy bear music all day, or if its the fact that they blow cotton into a bear skin for a living, or maybe, just maybe, on the application for the place it says : "Do you currently or in the past have a restraining order placed upon you?". And that is that, longest post ever, but that was the day. Oh, and that team I tried out for, I made. Gonna be rad rad stuff Current Mood: Awesome'd'ed' Current Music: Tree Sounds: Volume 5- Sycamores (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
8:41 am	Yanno what, I feel good Honestly, right now, I feel like I was just in the St. Valentines Day Massacre. My body is so sore from getting shot, and my foot probably needs to be looked at because when I jumped I like broke my toe I think, and theres this like...atrusion on the top of my head that doesnt feel so good, and im kinda burnt from the sun. And at the end of the day, the team I decided to do a favor for charged me for the paint I shot, and then took my jersey, and to top it off they were probablly the worst playing experience ive ever had. Regardless of all that, I am physically able to type, and thats good. So at the end of the day, when I look back now at all the oppurtunities I had to play on a free team, and probably would have made finals, I dont regret it. In fact, I got two oppurtunities today that are like, the greatest news in this sport that ive heard in awhile. If it works out, I will be ecstatic beyond belief. And it is with that very notion where I think today, within all of the bullshit that I simply did not need, where I found a reason to take the day for what it was. Sometimes we have bad days, and I accepted that today. I mean, ive been on a lot of teams that I simply should have never played for, and today is one of them, but the fact that I got an offer to go somewhere makes up for it. I got an offer to go somewhere by being on a team that is going nowhere, and im pretty happy about that. So right now im thinking about today, and im just happy right now. My life right now, is happy. I think my last entry will help show why, heh <3. But also because, well, life is just good. I think that if for 2 years I can be thrown around on teams that issues beyond my help, and I can still not completely flip out about it, im pretty good with things. Im just a happy person, im easy going, and I like that. Right now, im thinking about how much advil I should take, and how many drills im going to run tomorrow. Because im going to make the team I tryout for and its because I work hard at it. Life is so easy, and after today, I think it got easier. Sometimes I fail to forget who I am, but I slowly find myself back at what it is. Im an easy-going happy guy, and im not easy-going because I let things just fall apart around me, its because I know to enjoy them. Current Mood: optimistic (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 20th, 2005
3:53 pm	Blue and Yellow <3 I am so in love with Jess, gosh I LOVE THIS GIRL! I feel tingly, and comfortable, and everything is great, everything will be fine, nothing has been better. I really love this girl, I am in love with this girl. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 ...and she is in love with me. :-) :-* :-* Love you Jess <3 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
5:07 pm	Hello there and hello again on the way out from the in exit Well, its about 5 o clock now, and im still awake. Even though I was deathly tired earlier, I am still awake now for some reason. To worsen this, for some reason I was just listening to Len. Yes, Len is the band that hit the once long ago summer hit, Steal My Sunshine. They are Canadian, and the song is horribly poppy, and it ended up in my music, and I listened to it. But to really worsen this, is the fact that I made Jess sad, and yes, I know it was me. It was because of something ridiculously stupid, and im gonna say straight up what it is. The thing is, that I brought up again that she has yet to come over, and I always go over there. And that it would be nice if she could come here, or answer me about the topic itself. And I of course, ended up not understanding why this is even an issue once again, and brought it up even more after saying I would wait. I am done with bringing this up Jess, I dont understand it, but I am done. I dont care, at all. I dont care if I have to walk to Alaska everyday, and then walk back, its not worth you getting sad over. I am so happy when im with yo, it doesnt even matter at this point, all that matters is that you pickup your phone in the morning. I think the reason I brought it up is because of some old things, some things that showed a reoccuring trend with me. And like, it just didnt click right, and then Jess wrote something in her journal that is completely right. I dont know if it was meant for me, or whomever, but it applies to me. I will get worried about something and how its gonna affect the future, that ill mull over it, and then make it a problem. This issue thing right now, while it kinda can be a problem, isnt an issue at all. I was thinking that if I broke my legs, how would I see her if she didnt come over. But right now, my legs are perfectly fine. They will walk, because I want to. And it is within all of this that I have decided to best actually update this journal is to update it with things that ive physically written in notebooks, etc. I prefer that sort of writing over the internet journal stuff because the internet journals are just so quick and shifty, sometimes attention grabbing for the sake of grabbing, sometimes insincere, sometimes full of shit. So I write by hand, to make sure I know I am for real, because I have no intentions of cramping my hand for no reason. It is with that where I ask a question that I know the answer to in many ways. Whenver people see such long entries, I think they immediately put them off, or think something bad happened. This long entry is just to start something, to start showing random entries from what ive written (ive written a lot, a lot a lot, just because I dont put it online does not mean its not written) so maybe I can be more understandable. I know schools nowadays teach English class with human beings as characters and actions as symbolism, so maybe some of that shows through my old entries. Im just gonna pick random ones, and put them up, no specific order. Date: 1/5/2005 (January 5, 2005) Well the New Year is here, and I have yet to expand upon anything. Im sorry to myself, I should have written, I wanted to write, but just couldnt. In the past year I found it so hard to write in uncertainty, it is easily the hardest thing to write with. It is like swimming in all directions with no progress, at least when I had anger and depression I always had a consistency. A blessing for myself and my writing would be happiness and euphoria, but, I do not find these likely to even show consistency. So, the goal for this year is to write more than ever, as last year was such an incredible awakening (odd how I slept 3/4 of it) so now I must follow up to everything. I did not make a bullshit resolution, because, how weak is it that we need one task all year to help ourselves. I try to help myself everyday, I dont need a night of senseless binge drinking and "tradition" to give up chocolate to impress my friends. Fuck that. Id rather further continue to try and mend what I have broken, without making a direct resolution. In that aspect though, I also want this year to work with me. As much as I hate opinions and the like, I am going to have to show mine. I think so much ignorance is showed in opinions, including mine, but I refuse to let people entertain themselves with their false righteousness. I can no longer agree with bad ideas to make the creator feel good about themselves. I can no longer play on teams that bring me down just to bring others up, im done with that bullshit. I say all this because last year and even now, almost everyone I help or love has worked against me. Why? WHY?! I dont know, but its fucking sickening. I do not plan to "get back" at whatever, furthering the crossing of others does not make me glee. I simply plan to live my life, and always show forgiveness, because I prefer happiness over revenge. I just dont plan to knowingly let things happen anymore, if people continue for some reason to try and work against me then it will be brought up, I cannot allow kindness to fall into their hands again. (Oh, and chroniciling all the loose ends seems to be a plan.) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
8:03 am	Subjects are tough to name I dunno, dunno dunno. I dont know why I just logged onto this thing, and I dont know why im writing this. I got about a billion phone calls in the past week, with people telling me that wherever I end up going they wanna go with me, in paintball that is. That once I get an offer to tryout for somebody, to make sure to hook them up. I dunno how long ive been doing stuff for everybody else, but it was never my original intention. The first person to realize that maybe the reason I get offers is because ive went ahead and done things for myself. The first person to realize that sometimes I like it to be recognized that I have feelings, that I too need somebody to help me out, that maybe once in awhile I can be treated like everyone else. Thats all ive wanted, ever, in anything. Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 6th, 2005
4:28 pm	I have no idea how to change this thing, Jess says I should, but alas..no idea how to. I got my computer, and its up and running, and I realized that since I have a computer that doesnt attempt to explode and kill me every couple of minutes, ive had like no desire to pickup a book, or pen, or anything. Its like, physically writing, will no longer exist. I think ill get back to it, just catching up on not having a computer forever. Anywho, past few days ive been like..ah, well I miss Jess, a lot. I have my computer to help with time and stuff, but like sleeping is just weird, its weird and lonely being home and not seeing her at all during the day. Like right now its almost 5 in the morning, and I practically never stay up that late normally, just the past few days. I even went like shopping, and bought clothes and games all the way up in North Jersey and im still not real tired or having inclination to sleep. I even hung out with Lewis and friends tonight, something that I havent done in..a long time, and im not tired from that. Ive been having nightmares a lot too, on the way to the mall place today I must have had like 4 both ways. So therefore..somebody has to come home, so I can fall asleep on her, cuz I dont have nightmares with her. Except for when she pokes my face and scares me to death, haha <3. Who knows, I think my little miss has to come home, and then ill be good. Miss you :-( (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
3:32 pm	Entry So I guess I quit my job, I dunno anymore, I should probably call in and tell them. Its kinda ironic how one of the laziest people around works a lot, and im kinda sick of it yanno? Having to work all the time begins to make you wonder, what the hell is it your going to do. Because "when I grow up" is like, a year or so away, and its at this very moment that everyone begins to spaz out over everything. Like oh mah gawdz I have to get into college and I hafta get a degree and hafta get a job; its a plan that has been around for awhile, and I guess you could say it works for some. I guess. I dont think I could see myself ever doing that, mainly because I know how much school has screwed me over, and how I can tell that I wont be happy sitting in front of a monitor all day. Because I do that already, and sometimes right around when you are counting down the last 15 minutes to lunch break, you wanna see how far your fist can purge that CRT. It just worries me, that kinda thing worries me more than worrying about money and having an apartment and having an awesome coffee table to go with my curtains. Whenever I travel I tend to bystand and look around, in train stations, airports, strip clubs, things of that sort. I always see the same thing, and I generally never even bother to ask people anymore, what it is they are doing there. I know that whenver I travel, its because its for paintball, and within paintball I have no clue where im going really, and it doesnt help that I hold myself back because I fear that I do not know where im going. And within that neurosis I see these other people, these people in suits, these people that obviously arent that great in the business world because why the hell are they on a crappy connection flight with a bunch of teenagers riding coach. And its usually then where I begin to worry. There are a ton of these people, milllions, billions; trillions. These people that like dedicate themselves to some job where they hit numbers or try to make some thing work within a company, and because of that they are more lost than me in life. I see these people and think that they rarely see their families, that they only do what they want when they have the weekend time, that their ultimate goal is to finally reach retirement. They probably get by on business trips by hanging out in lanky hotel bars and then passing out with just enough time to get up at 5 and make a meeting or something. Well I dont drink. And I dont think I can hang out in some lonely pathetic bar. I will always just find myself asking like, why do we have to work for a living to make life? Its a sad system that we get into, and its one that I dont wanna be apart of. So when you find yourself bashing somebody such as myself, because I have no plan, and because I am lazy, you should really ask yourself some questions. Have you traveled as much as me, worked as much as me, done as much as me? Maybe you have, and maybe you havent. Current Mood: confused (3 Comments |Comment on this)